Sorry, another vent. Today is my Shabbat and I try to stay at peace and one with The Most High from sundown on Friday to sundown on Shabbat. Today has crushed my spiritual high and I am having a very hard time getting a hold of myself.
This past week has been so overwhelmingly melancholy. I don’t know if it is the time change or the change in season. I reached out, as best I could since all of our cell phone services have been cut off due to lack of funds, for someone to chat with me via IG chat, but no one was available. The cell phone service is really only one of many that have shut us out or will be shutting us out. I can’t talk to my Warrior best friend, who I miss dearly, because of no cell service.
We were in a very good place pre-pandemic. Having come from the bottom trying to get our lives back on track. We had a savings, a checking, stocks, and an money market savings. Almost empty nesters, my husband and I had plans. Within our means and abilities of course. I have Stage 4 Chronic Sarcoidosis, Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Cushings, Steroid induced Type 2 diabetes amongst a host of other debilitating illnesses. My husband has Type 2 diabetes as well. So we d won’t take any chances that might take us away from each other. We celebrated our 33rd wedding anniversary yesterday 3/19/2021. He’s the love of my life and my ride or die.
My SSI can’t even cover my medical costs for the month, but I am still thankful for it. My psyche is really being pushed to the limit due to the pandemic. Even as I type this rant, my chest is throbbing and pain is radiating down my arms. Don’t know whether it’s angina or my Chronic Sarcoidosis. The pains are so very similar and the many trips to the ER where they are oblivious to me and the treatment of my illness is a waste. Hell, until this dis-ease is brought to the fore-front and a cure is found; I walk on eggs shells each day as if it is or will be my last. I don’t want to die. I want to live a long life with my hubby. Why can’t they find a cure for this dis-ease? I have been fighting for my life for 22 years. Each year another symptom or side effect from medication, is messing with My mind. I am very defensive and cannot hold a calm conversation with my girls or anyone for that matter. I argued with My brother today because I thought he was taking pot shots at my husband for us being in this situation. I will go in on anyone who thinks they can try to hurt my Baby.
I’m feeling much better now. Thank you for allowing me to vent. This truly helps. The conclusion of this is, please forgive me for my outburst during this crazy time in my life. I really do not know how to communicate with anyone anymore, because I am sit alone all day by myself. Is there a method to this madness? Comments appreciated.
Peace and blessings to you always and forevermore,
Marilyn’s Fight For Life